CHILDBIRTH ISN'T THE MIRACLE - SURVIVING PARENTHOOD IS

Wednesday, 11 July 2012

Getting My Own Back

Last night I cooked spaghetti bolognaise for dinner. The kids always eat it up and therefore I feel like I've at least fed them something apart from McDonalds. I cooked the same spaghetti with the same sauce and the same ingredients that I've been doing for the past hundred years. This was their reaction:
"It's dis-ggggusting!"
"What is this???"
"YUK!"
IT WAS EXACTLY THE SAME SPAGHETTI BOLOGNAISE AS EVERY GODDAMN TIME BEFORE.
I despair.

So it got me thinking. The only way I'm ever going to get my own back on these kids is when I'm old and the opportunities will hopefully present themselves. There is definitely a list of things that I wouldn't do now but am looking forward to participating in when I'm about 80. Ever since I became a mother, I've become so ridiculously responsible in my actions that I'll be gagging for an occasional release in the other direction. This behaviour, when I'm a golden girl, is my promise to myself to catch up on all the stupid, socially gross and self-destructive things that I'm not doing now and, well, it keeps me going. Especially when my kids are pissing me off.

I have no bucket list of mystical places or extreme sports. My list is of stupid and perhaps illegal things that I'd never get away with as a parent of young children without social services getting involved.
FOR EXAMPLE:
Doing drugs is high on the list. It's been over decade since I did any kind of illegal substances. Except after my C section when I realised what prescription painkillers can do if you're taking too many when you don't actually need them. And when I'm in my 80s I will want to feel like that all the time.
Realistically I'll have to practice in moderation in case of grandchildren but hopefully I'll be able to indulge when they go home and I'm left alone in my retirement apartment. Even if it's just snorting vodka.
Wearing pyjamas everywhere is another must. At the moment I try and make an effort on my trips to & from the schoolyard and Asda. But since getting a dog I've been letting myself go a little and I plan to go the full way when I'm older. And I'm definitely wearing a visor with wraparound sunglasses.
Refuse to get in/out of my wheelchair. So these bloody kids will pay for all the time wasted trying to force them into the buggy and carseat.
Soil my incontinence pants at inopportune moments. That'll teach my toddler for always wanting to poo just as we're leaving for school.
And finally, be very very fussy about food even if I'm being liquid fed. And projectile vomit anything green.

I can't wait. I'll be fun again. And my kids will realise the many pains they've put me through. Only another thirty odd years to go...

9 comments:

  1. My husband and I always joke about getting our own back on the children when we're old but we'll probably be too senile to remember!

    Jakix

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  2. When I was at University I had a friend who said she couldn't wait to be old so she could stand in the street in her slippers and swear at people. I've always felt it was something to aspire to ever since...

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  3. I cant wait to run people over (ok, barge into people), while on my mobility scooter.

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  4. I guess the kids should have eaten their spaghetti bolognaise.

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  5. I am looking forward to being rude to people on the street "why are you orange young lady?"...that sort of thing.

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  6. When we hit 80, let's 'do' Glastonbury and cane loads of Pethidine whilst wearing visors and blowing whistles with our pathetic shrinking lungs (taking teeth out first of course) You up for it?

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  7. Why wait? Life's too short. I might die. I'm getting the buggers back every day I can.

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  8. It must be something about spaghetti bolognaise, my children moan about it every time and then eat it all. I'm looking to wearing clothes that my children disapprove of, wearing crazy accessories and looking like a dogs dinner but getting away with it because I'm old.

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