CHILDBIRTH ISN'T THE MIRACLE - SURVIVING PARENTHOOD IS

Sunday, 29 September 2013

To My Abuser by @Pols80

I've been neglecting my blog for too long now and it's about time I gave it some attention. So today I'm starting by putting a pause on the funny to host this honest, brave and powerful blog by @Pols80 .


TO MY ABUSER

I know you won't be reading this. Not because you wouldn't want to - for you all attention is good attention - but because I've successfully separated every part of my life from yours.

People might wonder why I'm writing this. To be honest, I'm wondering why I'm writing it. It's not because I still feel bitter, or because it still haunts me. Au contraire, it's because it no longer affects me. You don't have any control over me so I reckon that's one-nil to me, yes? I think the reason I'm writing this is precisely that: I have the freedom and confidence to make my voice heard and to tell other people that their voices are worth hearing too.

Sometimes, when I think back, I could kick myself for being so damn naive. Not that it was my fault. Oh no, the responsibility lies entirely at your feet. I was young. Young, naive and needy. You strode into my life full of charm and promises and I was swept off my feet. I was wanted - no, I was NEEDED - and it felt great.

As time went on, things began to change. Disagreements took on a sinister feel. If I went out without you, there were tantrums and tears and arguments and guilt. The mind games were really something, weren't they? Arranging to meet me and leaving me standing for hours was a particular favourite, and of course your phone was inevitably off. Then you had this genius idea that we'd spend my student loan before we spent your salary. Smooth move dude, I was financially dependent on you and you knew it. Then, as I started to see the chinks in your otherwise shiny armour, you upped your game. You gently reminded me how fortunate I was to have you; how I was too fat and ugly to get anyone else.

Remember the time you slapped my face when I was holding your newborn niece? Or the time you had me in an armlock and marched me through the shopping centre? Those memories must make you so proud. The pain for me was temporary, but you'll never be able to go back and undo those things that you did. Then, of course, there was the time you raped me.

I'm able to write this now because I got out, I got away from you. You didn't make it easy. Tenacious, aren't you? I did it though and look at me now. Happy, confident and loved. It wasn't easy, but I did it. I did it because I wasn't going to let you take any more years of my life. I might still be a little podgy, but I'm definitely not ugly. Of course you knew that didn't you? You knew that and it scared you that I might realise it too.

I don't hold any grudges, though. Nope, I forgive you. I forgive you because I refuse to hold onto anger and blame, to let you take another single moment of my happiness. You have to sleep at night knowing what you did.

As for me.

Well I'm free.

5 comments:

  1. Very brave of you to share. x

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  2. I think forgiving is part of the healing process, and by writing and sharing I believe you are there.

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  3. Insecurities and cowardice can make people do the most awful things. I have thought of writing a similar post but I am lacking your bravery xx

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  4. I was in a relationship exactly like this and so often want to write what you have just written, but I don't. Thank you so much for sharing.

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